I wasn’t going to be fooled, it takes more than a few hours of sunshine, a carpet of snowdrops, a few glimpses of a daffodil shoot, and an invasion of day-trippers to make me believe that spring is finally here.  I know that by this time next week we could well be having to dress like Nanook, (Google him), to go about our daily business.  However, that didn’t stop our Lady Commodore casting a vest this weekend, taken in by those early, fickle signs that the good lord likes to torment us with.

I had previous commitments, (thankfully), so was unable to take part in this weekends Race 5 of the Winter Series, but 15 crews, (obviously less wussy than me) were happy to get there boats ready for this 5^th race in the series of 6.  The race committee had also decided that should conditions allow, 2 races would be sailed today, to try and catch up with those missed due to inclement weather.

Race officers today were Andy and Pip Volans/Rowntree, (only just, and I mean only just, on speaking terms with each other, after Andy’s slight faux pas earlier this year, when on the evening before taking Pip on a well deserved break for some winter sunshine in Lanzerote, he realized his passport was out of date - not a good way to accumulate brownie points) assisted by the currently boatless Hon Handicapper Richard Craven.  Taking account of a fresh NW breeze, the first race today was set on a non standard course, taking the fleet northabouts to the red, a reach to the easterly, another reach to the green, (that course has got to make Apollo happy) and a beat to the No. 2.

First off were the Sportsboats, Humdinger, Shere Khan, skipper Bruce and partner Karen taking a break from the wedding planning, Sin Bin, and a rare appearance this series from ‘Desperate Darren’ on Weird Fish, with Sam Kennedy crewing.  1st over were Humdinger, followed by Shere Kahn and Sin Bin.  Unfortunately a ‘communications ‘error on Weird Fish, (that’s being polite) meant they started 5 minutes behind the rest of their class, and eventually retired from the race.

Six boats made up the Class A fleet, Vado, Troika, Kassy, Swan shot, Dash and a slightly undercrewed, with only 6, Ruffian.  So why might Ruffian be undercrewed.  Has Pete scared them off?  It’s no secret that of late Skipper Pete Mac has been like the child who’s eaten all the orange Smarties.  The loss of his recent protest against Troika hasn’t helped, and yesterday the crew were out practicing trying to iron out the problems with the new sail, problems which I know are getting him a tad upset, but I think that’s what he needs to sort out the problems with the sail, an iron, a very big iron.  Vado were first over, followed by Dash and Ruffian.

In Class B, 6 boats entered, Tomahawk, last race sailing with Sonata sail numbers, this race no numbers to be seen at all.  I think he got wind of the handicapper’s decision that boats would be given the handicap that belonged to the sail numbers, not the boat.  (Not really, I made that bit up - Carlsberg don’t do handicappers, but if they did...).

Bandit and Sparkle made up the lightweights in Class B, Whistler and Team Pensioner on Little Jeannie, the heavyweights, and Apollo in the ‘don’t knows’.  Team pensioner only just made the start.  Remember last time, when they nearly missed it because when they walked down the pier, they found the bridge was open, and they were advised next time walk down the other pier.  Well they forgot.  Déjà vu, Groundhog Day, call it what you will, it all points to the same conclusion, Alzheimers. 

Tomahawk, made another aggressive start to be first over, followed by Whistler and Little Jeannie, who managed, just, to get to the start on time. 

No spinnakers were to be flown on this one lap race, and the winners in each class were Shere Kahn, Vado and Tomahawk.

And now the second race.  The wind had increased slightly, and the race officers, communicating with each other now through the medium of mime, set course L, buoys to starboard.  Once around the red it was downwind to the Cayton, and then a beat up to the green.  A proper windward-leeward, just for Apollo.

In the Sportsboats, Humdinger were first over ahead of Shere Kahn and Sin Bin.  In class A, Vado were a bit too keen and got a recall, Kassy and Ruffian very close behind, followed by Dash and Troika.

If Steve Russell could not win the first over, he decided he would try and win the how far can you tip trophy, (yes there will be one) and showed Vado’s keel to the race station.  (Jammed mainsheet perhaps Steve? or just refused to let it go as you did on my boat, remember...).

Class B and the Sparkle boys, desperate now to get a place ahead of their old boat Bandit, pushed a little too hard and got a recall.  Whistler got first over, followed by Tomahawk and Bandit, skippered by Jack Sparrows cat.  (You all know him, more eyeliner than Katie price).

Team pensioner decided to sit this one out.  The folding prop and brand new Kevlar sails not giving them the results crewman Jimmy ‘spud u like’ had hoped for.  How can I explain?  I can go to the shops and buy all the ingredients, but Mr Kipling is still gonna bake a better cake!

Sin Bin and Sparkle, in a bid to try anything new to gain a position, flew their spinnakers sideways, which if nothing else amused the spectators in the clubhouse.

This time around, Humdinger won in their class, (thank goodness, you would not want to be around Glynn after 2 consecutive defeats) ahead of Shere Kahn and Sin Bin.  In Portsmouth A, Ruffian took 1^st place ahead of Vado and Dash.  Troikas disappointing 5^th place in race 1, must have had deep reaching effect on Dennis and his crew.  They retired from the race and were last seen heading south, to look for another yacht broker.  (That last bit is hearsay, passed onto me, I don’t make things up.)

In Class B, Tomahawk got first place, however the joy of victory was somewhat tainted by Rudi Barman’s quite severe buttock injury, sustained whilst racing.  To avoid any legal proceedings, it might be best if you ask him about that on an individual basis.  Whistler came 2^nd, followed by the Rimmel sponsored Bandit.  A big surprise was the boat that, in the owners words, ‘won’t beat to windward’ Apollo, beating a boat that is supposed to beat, Sparkle into 4^th place.

The crews had had 2 good races, and apart from one or two dummies flying out of the pram, everyone was happy, except the club steward Eddie.  He wasn’t worried about missing the Catherine Cookson omnibus, which this week was a repeat, but he desperately wanted to watch the documentary ‘Queen Victoria, a Royal love story’ but the way things were panning out, he’d be lucky to be home in time for ‘Larkrise’.  I think its about time we introduced our loyal Steward to Sky+, but that’s one for the management committee.

When I have to get dressed up like Ben Fogle and James Cracknell in an episode of ‘On thin ice’ my enthusiasm starts to wane.  With the threat of Cyclone Cynthia ‘booling’ up the channel, and all the nasty weather that would therein ensue, I had made the decision to watch today’s proceedings from the warmth of the bar.

However, the threat of a cyclone did not deter 12 keen, enthusiastic, adventurous, determined, bad home life, under achievers in the workplace, (I’m sure one will fit) skippers and crews braving the elements to compete in today’s race.  There were several mixed crews today, as is the norm for winter racing, when a few skippers winterize there boats, preferring to sail on, and break other peoples.  Joker in the Pack's crew swelled the numbers on Troika, (someone needed to) Resolute's crew on Vado, whilst Tomahawk had  amongst their ranks, some of Zeris crew, and professional raffle winner Steve Parker, whose own boat is drying out in a large pizza oven in Whitby.

The most interesting of today’s pick and mix crews was the man himself, intergalactic Sonata sailor, purveyor of fine jewels and slow watches, Yoda, or Mr. Sizer to his customers, helming T42.  This deal had been struck at the recently held Gentleman’s Dinner, and within days of realizing what they had let themselves in for, the 2 owners of T42 John and Mick, two people who normally could not agree on the colour of an orange, agreed it had been a bad idea and set about looking for a way out.  John immediately developed a bad neck, and could not possibly sail, (you can take the scarf off now), whilst Mick opted for more drastic action and set about poking his eyes out with a knitting needle.  However, he chickened out after rendering his right eye useless, which meant in Yodas terms, he was fit for the duty.  Team Ruffian were carrying more crew than you could fit into a mini.

Race officers today, John Richie, (only just back from his tour of opening Poundstretcher shops as a John Prescott lookalike) and Jim Lidgley from Havoc, set a course south about, to the green, a very broad reach to the Cayton, and a beat against the fresh NNE breeze to the easterly, then a reach to the red, before running to the Number 2.

Only 2 sports boats, both 707s, entered.  Humdinger, with Wolfman Glyn, Wayne, Tom, and John on board, and Sin Bin, handicapped I think, because the crew weight had doubled due to the amount of foul weather gear they were wearing.  Humdinger had a good start, and was first to the Green, and to hoist the kite, gaining an impressive lead on Sin Bin, which they never lost.

In Portsmouth A, Vado, Troika, Ruffian, and Kassy, were grouped tight together, unfortunately Class B yacht Apollo was also in among this throng.  As usual, they had spent too much time jollying in the South Bay.  (Start south about means just that, it doesn’t mean hang about in the South Bay until the clocks go forward).  A classic example of wrong place, wrong time.

Dash, the last of the Class A boats, was someway off the line at the start.  Skippered today by ‘Arry, whilst owner Martin is still away in rehab, (I'm told Amy Winehouse regularly pokes him on Facebook now), supported amongst others by regular crew, the clavicle kid, becoming more useful now than a Swiss army knife, as they discover more uses for the sticky out bit, and Judith, trying her best to keep order.

In Portsmouth B, 5 ‘Lightweights’ made up the squad, T42, Tomahawk, Bandit, Sparkle and Apollo.  Tomahawk made an aggressive start and was first over the line, but once Yoda had got his head around how to deal with ‘that’ much moveable ballast, T42 took the lead.  Bandit and Sparkle behind, and Apollo, somewhat traumatized after being read his horoscope by 4 Class A skippers in the earlier kafuffle, brought up the rear.

Unfortunately, the Easterly Mark, which was there at the start, had disappeared, when the leaders tried to find it, so the race had to be abandoned.  Times were taken as boats rounded the red and past the no 2. if there had been a result it would have been Humdinger, Ruffian and T42 collecting the red flags (bad luck Mick, you wont be able to blame the boat again). 

One person delighted with the outcome was club steward Eddie.  He had accepted with a 1400 start, he would miss the 3 hr Catherine Cookson omnibus, but seeing how far back Apollo was, Larkrise to Candelford seemed to be slipping from his grasp.

A few words on the Gentleman’s Dinner. It was a very enjoyable and pleasant evening, among the highlights, Rob, Bandit's owner, dressed in frock coat, sporting black nail varnish, and black eye liner, looking for all the world like Jack Sparrows cat. And next years after dinner speaker, might want to read that little known, and sadly out of print book, ‘The 3 Ts of after  dinner speaking, Timing, Technique, and Titillation, how to make the audience laugh.’ Written by Andrew Boyes. (I believe copies can still be found on eBay).

And finally, a note on the ladies evening.  The ladies had booked themselves a meal at a local Chinese restaurant.  I cant give too much away about what happened, save to say, Win, Nicki and Julie are now under police protection, having being elevated to pole position in the Triads (Google 'em) most wanted list.

So here we are again, the new look web site is up and running, and I’ve been asked to do a report on the days racing again, it’s like we’ve never been away.

As you all know, I am a fully paid up member of the BBTE (bring back the eighties) club.  Not only because it would mean I could wear shoulder pads again, but in those halcyon days we lifted the boats out before the nine gallon barrel was empty, and didn’t think about putting them back in until the first daffs appeared under the Valley Bridge (and then it was only a thought).  Sunday mornings were spent in bed, with a cup of tea, reading all the gossip in the tabloids, Steve Wrights ‘Sunday love songs’ on the wireless, and a loved one tending to your boiled eggs, (and that is a purely culinary reference).

Today was race 3 in the winter series, earlier in the week, when it looked like race officers for today, TT Taylor, and Robin Gray from Joker in the pack wouldn’t be available, I didn’t hesitate to offer my services.  I was assisted in the race station by newly sacked/redundant/resigned crew from Humdinger, Rich Craven.  We set the course, utilising the new easterly mark, hoisted the appropriate flags, and recorded the crew numbers, and then Robin Gray walked into the race station without so much as a by your leave, a note from his parents, or a doctor, to explain his late arrival, I could go into this in a lot more depth, but he did bring a flask of hot coffee, so well end things there.  Don’t shoot a gift horse and all that.

Team Pensioner on ‘Little Jeannie’ were late getting to the boat, the bridge had lifted to let the other competitors out as TP crew made their way down the pier.  As they all meet at the T hut for a cup of beef tea and some under the counter ‘sanatogen’ (google it), I've never understood why they never walk to the boat down the other pier!

A 3 class start saw 2 sports boats, 4 class A, and 7 class B boats, in the dial up zone, (little AC reference their) 13 in total, unlucky for some, as we were to find out later.

The female crew on Little Jeannie, called in their crew numbers just before the 10 minute signal, so we were surprised that at exactly the time the 5 minute signal went, a male crew member called the crew numbers in again.  There could be several reasons for this.  Early on set of Alzheimer’s meant they had forgotten what had happened in the previous 5 minutes, or the male crew believing that the female had only gone down below to clean the nav station, and not dabble with the electronics, and press switches!

Only 2 sports boats today, Bruce on Shere Kahn, with his regular crew, Karen, Harry and Mike and a short handed Humdinger, with Tom Hill on the stick, and 2 non regulars as crew.  Humdinger was first over, but once past the green, Shere Kahn got in front and stayed there until the end of the race.  Probably a good job Humdinger owner Glyn had decided to stay ashore and go to Church today, he would not have been happy. 

4 boats in class A, Vado, Ruffian, Dash and Kassy, had a close start, with Vado first over.  As with the sports boat class, once round the green, the positions of the group changed and did not alter for the rest of the race.  Ruffian took the lead from Vado, then Dash and Kassy.  Ruffian skipper Pete Mac needed cheering up; his recent purchase of a sail from Hong Kong has had to be returned, (been there, done that, got the t shirt, and also got the sail in the shed, waiting for Quba, Google em, to turn it into a jacket).  Heres something to ponder, why do you think the Chinese call there own sailing vessels Junks?

On Dash, Skipper Martin, about to go back in rehab after the latest relapse, had amongst his crew Harry, the astro navigator, (just what you need on a bay race), ‘Mr Pastry’ Colin Woodhead, taking a short break from squirrel hunting, it’s a long story, and Alan and his displaced clavicle.  Alan is essential crew, since Martin worked out that on the shy spinnaker reaches, he could stand Alan at the mast and use the clavicle as a whisker pole!

7 boats entered class B, 4 lightweight, 2 heavy, and Apollo, who is at best confused, as are the rest of us, (as to which class he should be in).

2 sonatas, T 4 2, and ……………………………. my mistake 1 Sonata, and Tomahawk, a Foxterrier with an identity crisis, flying Sonata sails.  Skipper Tom Clark had decided to stay ashore, and let his crew of Steve Parker, Tony (from Zeris) and Wave take the boat out.  Sparkle and Bandit, made up the lightweight in class B, and little Jeannie and Whistler the 2 heavy weights.  Little Jeannie had been given a new handicap, (no, not because he had his full regular crew, but because he now had a folding prop).

Tomahawk were first over, and unlike the previous 2 classes, positions in this fleet changed on each lap.  Whistler and LJ had close racing, Whistler decided on drastic action in lap 2 and flew his Spinny sideways, let’s hope Mr Livesey pays more attention at work, imagine if in his next hip replacement, he accidentally used an elbow joint, and the poor patient scurrying sideways out of his theatre like a drunken hermit crab!

Bandit and Sparkle had a close race, with the positions between them changing several times for the duration of the race, strictly speaking Sparkle should have been over 3 minutes in front had they been sailing to the handicap, but that’s only a minor detail.

On lap 3, the skipper of Apollo decided to miss the no 2 mark off the course, thus disqualifying himself.  You have to feel for the crew, spurred on by there recent 3^rd placing, (for those not in the know, Apollo winning a flag happens as often as Halle’s comet, or Neil Pearson getting a round in).  They had dragged themselves down at dark o clock, on a grey drizzly February morning, sailed 3 laps, only for it all to mean nothing cos the driver couldn’t follow the road signs.  You will be ‘The loner’ Paul if you keep that up.

Mick and John, on T 4 2 had managed to overtake Apollo on the last lap, they lost time in lap 2 when Mick  headed for the foredeck, and in doing so, got stuck fast  between the mast and the lower shrouds, stuck like a gurnard in a trammel net.  Once the helm, John, had used the 16:1 backstay purchase, and a lot of swarfega to free Mick, they settled down to sail a faster last leg.

Within 2 hours it was all over.  When the results were worked out, the winners in each class were Shere Kahn, Ruffian and Bandit (Is it right the Sparkle boys have offered to buy it back Rob?).  The benefits of an early start, are an early finish, and club steward Eddie, could get cleared up and home in time to watch the 3 hr Catherine Cookson saga on the Yesterday channel.  Everybody’s happy.